The year is 3500 B.C., a time when everyone’s landlord was a rock, animals were synonymous with clothing, and public nudity was largely acceptable if you didn’t want to wear clothing. But that’s about to change. Everything’s about to change.
Major changes in human culture are on the horizon. From the invention of writing to the very first sailboats to the earliest recorded sleepover pranks, each bit of ingenuity from this era will serve as the bedrock of mankind’s advancement through the rest of history.
Society-shaping discoveries are being made left and right, like the wheel—
“—Hey! HEY! Don’t you look at my wheel! Don’t you fucking look at it!” shouts Richard Wheel. He’s the guy who invented the wheel. He’s not very humble about it.
“Ah, just look at this brilliant little invention of mine. Soon, people everywhere will be using the wheel to roll off hillsides and crush rabbits so they can make shoes out of them! Best thing to happen to mankind since Baldo Fire became the first human to harness fire, no doubt.”
“That’s precious, you having a little idea of your own. Bet it’s not the wheel, because I made that.”
“Wait, as in the animal? What do you mean ‘ride a horse’?”
“Wow. Definitely don’t do that. What a dumb and reckless idea. Wild horses are dangerous, and they hate humans. Anytime you get near one that you’re not about to spear in the jugular, they’ll hoof you to death or drag you to the beach and eat all your clothes. This is the way it has been between people and horses since the dawn of time. No way they’d just up and let you put your crotch on their back. That’s why us 3500 B.C. folk stick to eating horses or making pants out of them, not sitting on them.
Seems like you’ve already forgotten the time you tried sitting on a crow so you could fly everywhere. You only made it 30 miles before it dropped you from 100 feet in the air. Wheels are the future. Not sitting on horses. Don’t be a jackass.
What the hell would riding a horse do for anyone besides get your troglodyte-ass horse-murdered?”
“Well, good luck with that, even though you’ll probably die. I’m gonna go roll this off a mountain towards a fawn and make a vest out of it. Later.”
At first, you wanted to pioneer horse-riding because of all the benefits that horse subservience to humans would offer. Now, you’re additionally motivated to ride a horse just to spite Richard Wheel and his fucking circle.
This monumental human achievement is totally up for grabs. If you want it, the glory of being the first person to ride a horse is yours.
Oh…really? Listen, sanitation systems are an incredibly important development for society. No one’s going to argue that. But would you honestly rather be the founding architect of sewage disposal than horseback riding? Even if you accomplish this feat of engineering, Richard Wheel’s bound to find some dickish way to make fun of you for it.
Before you decide, please just consider how much fun riding a horse would be. Look at this horse. Now imagine yourself on top of it, moving at speeds unthinkable to 3500 B.C. humans.
Wow. Okay. Not quite the adventure that horse riding would be, but a noble choice that will push society forward nonetheless.
Time to get started on your sewage system. Better be quick about it. This guy’s really go to go.
“PLEASE DEVELOP THE FIRST HUMAN-WASTE DISPOSAL SYSTEM FASTER. I HAVE TO GO.”
“OH, OH, OOOOH, HURRY.”
“MY SON HAS TO GO, TOO.”
“PLEASE, PLEASE, DON’T LET ME DO THIS IN FRONT OF MY SON, NOT NOW. HURRY.”
Too late. These folks had to go so badly that they took the initiative and designed the world’s first sewage system before you. Afterwards, they also started the world’s first business, a father-and-son-owned sewage, drainage, and plumbing operation that’s been passed down through countless generations. It’s still around today on 130th Street in New York City, called Rocco and Sons Primo Pipe Care.
Even worse, Richard Wheel stole your idea for riding the horse and is now called Richard Wheel And Also Rides Horses.
You should’ve tried to be the first person to ride a horse instead. Try again.
Excellent. Now that you’ve made it your mission to ride a horse, it’s time to go find one and make being on a horse the future of going.
You doodle a blueprint of your plan on the soles of your cragged, filthy 3500 B.C. feet, just so you still get credit for the idea of riding a horse even if you die trying.
Nope, no horses here.
None here either.
Hold up—that’s Horse/Family Bath Mountain, where wild horses and family baths are.
Do you want to check Horse/Family Bath Mountain for horses, or look elsewhere?
You arrive at the mountaintop. No horses.
Still no horses.
Damn. Not a horse in sight up here.
A huntress pushes through the bathing families and approaches you.
“If you’ve come up here looking for horses, know that I’ve turned them all into pants already. I ate one too.”
“You want to ride a horse? Why would anyone need to do that?”
“Got it. Yeah, that guy sucks.
My cousin, Frank Wine, the guy who invented beer a couple centuries back, once tried jumping on a horse to get it to drink beer. It ended up killing him, which is why he’s now called Frank Horse Victim, but as he bled to death from all the horse bites, he moaned,
‘A horse with a SMILE THAT’S NICE AND WIDE
Is the very best horse that a human could ride.’
Whatever that means. Hope it helps. Good luck.”
Ah, finally! A horse clearly tried licking a rainbow into the mud here. You are getting close. You think you can even smell them.
You’ve found horses! Okay, now what?
You’ve decided to become the herd’s alpha so they have no choice but to accept your crotch on their back and go wherever you command them to.
How do you want to go about earning the unwavering respect of the herd?
You single out the alpha horse and approach it. You can tell that this horse is the dominant leader of the herd because it has an incredibly small human penis that every other horse in the herd keeps bowing to when they trot by him.
The alpha horse looks you dead in the eye, unblinking and repeatedly stamping its foot in the dirt. The whole herd’s watching now.
Time to prove your dominance and usurp this fella from power.
The alpha rears back, takes a few swipes at you, and then has sex with every female in the herd to assert its place in this herd’s pecking order. You’ve clearly failed to threaten it.
Time to do something more drastic.
The moment you sink your teeth into the horse’s eyes and spit them on the ground, it begins weeping, and the rest of the herd rushes to its aid. Yes, a horse with no eyes can still weep.
Fuck, man. That was so unnecessary. Not only did you lose the herd’s respect due to your totally unprovoked aggression, but they kept the now-blind alpha horse in power to cheer him up. An overwhelming sense of guilt consumes you as you see the herd travel to a different pasture, this one now scarred with the violence you wrought on them. A baby horse spits on the ground near you out of disgust.
Word of your fucked-up-ness spreads across 3500 B.C. horse society, and now none of them will let you even get close to a herd. You failed to be the first human to ride a horse. Try again.
Wow, you’ve come up with democracy! You’re already proving to be one of 3500 B.C.’s most inventive pioneers, and riding a horse will be the cherry on top of this stunning development for mankind. Richard Wheel is going to throw his shitty circle off a cliff when he sees what you’ve concocted here.
Perhaps the horses will appreciate you respecting their persons and earning your way to putting your crotch on their backs through civil means.
You place a single stone at the foot of every horse in the herd.
You then carefully stand next to the current alpha horse while it’s too busy grazing to want to kill you. You can tell that this horse is the dominant leader of the herd because it has an incredibly small human penis that every other horse in the herd keeps bowing to when they trot by him.
Making sure each horse is paying attention, you demonstrate that, to vote, they must simply carry their rock and put it next to who’d they like to be the alpha of the herd.
Now, you must make your case as to why you deserve to be the alpha, but in a way that a horse can understand.
Okay, you’ve made your case.
Time to vote!
Looks like the horses didn’t understand democracy at all. They didn’t even touch the rocks. The alpha horse just walked over to you and threw a hoof at your face so hard that it inverted your nose.
You look so terrifying that no human, let alone horse, is able to face you, and hence, you are unable to get anyone to listen to your idea for democracy. It will not be tried again for around 3,000 years.
Worst of all, you failed to become the first human to ride a horse. Try again.
Probably a good idea to work your way up to these horses from something less dangerous.
What do you want to practice riding on?
Ah, yes, the wooly mammoth. The animal that everyone in 3500 B.C. gets their milk and wigs from.
Before you can climb up its 12-foot frame and straddle it, the wooly mammoth turns and addresses you telepathically, which is something that no one will ever prove wasn’t true about them:
“Come on, us woolies have, like, two millennia before we’re extinct forever. Total dunzo. Be cool. Let us enjoy the time we have left undisturbed.”
“Please. Don’t do this,” says the wooly mammoth as you throw your legs over its back.
Good thing you ignored the wooly mammoth’s pleas for you to leave it alone, because you ended up domesticating wooly mammoths and saved them from extinction! In the future, wealthy children get wooly mammoths for their birthdays, Christopher Reeve becomes paralyzed after falling off a wooly mammoth, and they’re also the animal that gets ridden during the Preakness Stakes.
Unfortunately, this meant horses were totally eradicated from the planet instead because they had to be killed to feed all the wooly mammoths, and you never became the first person to ride one. Try again.
Smart thinking! This is a great starting point for eventually riding a real horse.
Oof. You ended up splattering the seahorse…maybe try one that’s a better fit for your size.
This one should do!
Damn, well, okay, maybe go another size up.
You got this!
Ouch…not quite. Listen, no one said this journey would be easy, so don’t get discouraged. Let’s give it one more go, yeah?
All right, get a load of this big guy! This is the one. Now go easy. No need to rush.
Yikes. Okay, you’re done practicing on seahorses for now.
You’ve found some plants to practice riding on.
Oh no! You killed the plants when you tried riding them. This does not bode well for riding a horse.
“WHAT THE FUCK?! MY PLANTS! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”
“FUCK! I WAS GOING TO PIONEER AGRICULTURE WITH THOSE PLANTS!”
“THAT IS DEVASTATING TO HEAR.”
As you sprint toward the herd to jump on one, they all disperse, except for this horse. It appears to be the herd’s alpha. You can tell that this horse is the dominant leader of the herd because it has an incredibly small human penis that every other horse in the herd keeps bowing to when they trot by him.