New iPhone Update Now Updates Your Sad, Buffering Existence Too

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Greetings from Apple HQ, everybody!

We hope you’re all taking pleasure in being managed by our items — we significantly value that the majority of you want to share every information of your finger prints and your confront with us. We’ re keeping all that information in a Very Safe Place, put on’ t you fret! No one will get it, most likely. We’ ve constantly stated: blind, meaningless trust is the most crucial secret to preserving a soul-sucking company relationship.

We wished to send you men this e-mail about an amazing statement for the latest iPhone upgrade, which is coming quickly. Generally — based on the stockpiles of individual details you’ ve provided us without a 2nd idea — whenever you upgrade your phone, we’ ll be upgrading your individual life.

We feel, like, so bad about a few of the shit you men are taking a look at on your iPhone’ s Safari(even when you’ re on “ personal, ” sorry men!) and the streams of awareness you’ ve been tape-recording in the Notes App. Your pictures? Hon, you excellent? We’re stressed.

The brand-new iOS launch is going to repair whatever. We’ ve partnered with Universe Overlord, Mark Zuckerberg — who reads all your texts as well as paying attention to your spoken discussions — to truly pin down all the important things you frantically have to repair in your life. We wish to assist, people! The organisation you’ ve provided us over the last couple of years, we feel like we owe you. Particularly given that we’ re intentionally ruining your lives, making you depending on innovation, as well as slowing your phone battery whenever we’ re tired.

Here are some updates you can anticipate:

1. The electronic camera quality will be much better. We desire our phones to really make expert video cameras outdated. When you’ve screenshotted and conserved more than 25 anxiety memes, we’re simply going to turn off your phone for 24 hours. Attempt and go outside.

2. If the recipient likewise has iMessage; if they have an Android you simply should not be talking to them anyhow?), Texting will be quicker than ever (. We’re going to begin erasing some phone numbers and removing discussions that we understand are going to be bothersome when you’re intoxicated.

Like, fine, not to call names, however Karen from Delaware — you actually text your ex 15 times in a row each time you head out. We’re frightened. Everybody here at Apple have been following your love life because you purchased your very first iPhone in 2012, and we simply have to step in at this moment — your pal Nicole? Not assisting you. She’s a bitch and is likewise in love with your ex. We’re going to erase her too. No, not erase her number, we’re going to.

3. Apps will stop crashing suddenly. The next time you attempt and order shipment on the Seamless app, you do not have to fret about mistakenly purchasing two times! We’re going to begin altering your Seamless order. We understand a few of you have actually been re-ordering the exact same fucking thing and it’s driving us insane — you aren’t consuming well. We’re simply going to begin sending you a single bell pepper and a bottle of Smartwater each time you attempt and fucking order pad thai for the 4th or 3rd night in the row. Jesus.

4. After some mindful research study, about 90% of you will not have the ability to utilize Twitter on your phone. This is both an upgrade to your phone, your life, as well as the lives of everybody who has actually suffered through your 280-character ideas.

We’re eagerly anticipating the future with you all — ultimately we will have the ability to put in control over your weak, useless little lives as the years go on, however for now we’re delighted with the ridiculous quantity of power we presently hold.

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